Dear onions readers,
Today I would like to talk about habits.
I am a very lucky person. I live in a marvelous place: Nice, in the south of France. It’s a splendid city, right next to the sea. The weather is almost perfect, in summer and in winter.
It’s also an incredibly international city. Walking around, I can hear Russian, Chinese, Italian, English, French, Lithuanian, Polish, German… and many other languages I don’t even recognize.
But when it comes to finding a good restaurant, things get tricky.
You don’t want to end up in a tourist trap or leave half your salary with the bill. So my friends and I carefully share the addresses we discover. Sometimes, of course, I still end up in a wonderful place by pure chance.
But everyone in Nice knows one thing: if you want a really good restaurant, you book in advance. Sometimes a week ahead.
So what do you think of someone who doesn’t book?
Maybe they do not really value their time, money, or experience.
Or maybe they simply do not know better.
“I’ll just go there, and if it’s full, we’ll find something else.”
I like spontaneity, but I have learned that for important things, spontaneity needs structure.
In a small Italian village full of empty restaurants and low prices? Go with the flow. Enjoy the moment.
But in Nice? You risk being unwelcome, eating badly, drinking worse, and paying too much.
Now here is the point:
When you are dating, you are the restaurant.
And I am a very nice restaurant in a tourist city.
I have met so many men who did not “book the restaurant.”
And I wasted so much time and energy wondering if it was because I was not worth it.
But I have learned something important:
It was never about the restaurant.
I am now a restaurant with a great view, great vibes, fantastic food, and charming staff.
And still, I sometimes meet people who do not “book.”
So… was the restaurant ever the issue?
Absolutely not.
I want to be completely honest with you, because I know many people still secretly believe they are the problem – that if someone does not engage, it must be because they are not enough.
But here is the truth:
If someone does not choose you – does not text you, does not show up, does not invest – it is not a reflection of your value.
It is a reflection of their choice.
They simply decided not to “book the restaurant.”
And you should not stay emotionally available for people who cannot even reserve a table for you.
I know this is not easy.
Because there is always a “but.”
But I like him.
But maybe he will change.
But he needs time.
But he feels like the one.
I am probably one of the most stubborn people I know. I have said that “but” hundreds of times, despite all the advice from friends who could clearly see what I refused to see.
It never worked for me.
What finally helped me move through all of this was understanding attachment styles.
There are two books that completely changed my perspective.
The first one is Let Them.
People want to feel free to make their own decisions. So let them.
What we can do is observe – and then make our own decisions accordingly.
“Let them”… and then “let me.”
And honestly, the second part is the hardest one.
Making decisions for ourselves is much harder than complaining about other people’s decisions.
So be brave.
Let him or her act the way they choose. Observe carefully. Then choose yourself accordingly.
The second book is Attached.
It explains that, when it comes to adult relationships, there are generally three attachment styles…and understanding them can change the way you experience dating completely.
Secure people feel confident about their own value and yours. They communicate clearly. They do not play games. They create safety instead of confusion.
Then there are anxious people. They fear abandonment and need reassurance. This is not a flaw or a weakness, it is simply a pattern. And anxious people usually thrive when they are with secure partners who can provide consistency and emotional safety.
And finally, there are avoidant people.
Their fear is losing freedom or becoming trapped in a relationship. Because of that, they often create distance: emotionally, physically, or through inconsistent behavior.
When an anxious person dates an avoidant one, a painful cycle can begin.
The anxious partner believes the distance must mean: “I am not enough,” so they seek more reassurance.
The avoidant partner then feels overwhelmed and pulls away even more.
And the cycle keeps feeding itself.
Understanding this changed everything for me.
Because sometimes, the problem is not your value.
It is simply the dynamic.
These books helped me understand something simple but powerful:
You do not need to convince someone to choose you.
The right people do not hesitate to book the table.
They do not need directions to your value.
They reserve the seat.
And when they do, you stop wondering.
You simply sit down and enjoy the meal.